I guess I really don't know what to say or where to start because there's so much. Honestly I would just have to start from the beginning.
This isn't a sob story or a "feel sorry for me" or anyone rendition of what has happened. It's just the truth and that's the only way I can tell it.
I'm the oldest of three girls and when I was only six (if that) my father cheated on my mom and left us to fend for ourselves. Truthfully he and that are a whole other story but this one isn't about him or his stupidity.
After he had left and started his torment upon our lives the therapist had told my mom that we each would react to it all in a different way. My baby sister and I were very angry and would loose our tempers often. Sarah,the middle sister, would create drama with everything. Sarah was the one I chose to take my anger out on. I know and will admit now that I was very cruel to her growing up. She learned how to retaliate but being the oldest I would always win. So Sarah had taken on the defense that she thought she was smarter than me. She would use that to her advantage and would put me down. I'm not a genius by any means but I'm not even close to being somewhat dumb either. I'm fairly intelligent but because I dropped out of school and earned my GED she thinks less of me in the sense that I'm not that smart.
Dropping out was the smartest and only thing I could do. I was already homeschooled but because of the homeschooling system, in which there is none, they could care less of what happened to me. So being smarter than where I was suppose to be and having learned the higher education I decided to stop and get my GED as soon as I was able. I think it was at 16.
Anyway, that being beside the point. For the last 2 and some years I have been trying to correct my relationship with Sarah. I swear my efforts are useless because she still treats me as though I hate her. Since that is currently what she thinks. It makes me angry because she doesn't like to be told any criticism, an honest opinion or pure concern she'll become upset and won't listen. I've learned some time ago that I can't tell either of my sisters what to do but when it come to talking to Sarah she acts as though I have lived in a box with each of my blessing handed to me on a silver platter never having to gone through any turmoil. Therefore my opinion means nothing because apparently I have experienced nothing.
We're not close but truthfully it's because we're so different in our personalities. Yes, it has to do with the fact of how I treated her when we were kids but it also has to deal with how she treats me now. I have cried about it many times and even tried writing to her letting her know how I feel. But it seems pointless when she's not willing to meet me in the middle. I still love her and I'm still trying to reconcile with her but she does not make it easy.
My mom told me that the other day she called crying about how her and I aren't that close. All I could do was tell my mom, "what can she expect?" I know it probably sounds heartless but I did go on to tell my mom what she already knew, that I was making every effort but with Sarah it's like taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back. And again I know I was cruel to her. It was my way of taking out my anger from my father. I feel terrible for it now but it was how it was. I can't change it. All I can do is make up for it now.
My mom called me her "scapegoat" on the phone. This is because when she talks to us about things she's excited about and show concern about them she'll get angry with me even though my mom and I said the same thing. What should I do? Just bite my tongue and when the authorities find her body do I wait to tell her in the after life, "I told you so."? And really she has put herself in that position many times because she is so naive and thinks everyone is good. But I don't want that to happen. So I'll just continue looking out for her even if she does get angry with me.
This all probably sounds like every bad relationship with a sister. And maybe it is. I'm not sure.
I guess the only thing I can do is keep trying to make things right and sooner or later she'll come around.
Hopefully.
4 comments:
WOW!...
I hope coming from a guy this doesn't come across wrong so take my words with a grain of salt and know I only mean what I say here to help you in any way I can?
I too had a father who cheated on my Mom and bailed on us when I was around six. He left my Mother, older Sister and myself to go back to his "Lost" days of single life. (I know this because he told me years later to try and mend our relationship) My Sister and I would fight with each other constantly and my Mother would just cry and feel like her life went to hell. Being young, we didn't really understand what my Mom was going through so we had troubled times for years. But as my Sister and I grew up, We realized what had happened and have reconciled our differences and we Love our Mother dearly and let her know quite a bit. As for my father... Well, He tried to be a part of our family in a seperate kind of way but there were issues I won't go into right now that have created a giant rift between us and him. I refuse to speak to him myself. My Mom has been a Christian all her life but lost interest in going to Church during all our termoils. Now My Sister and myself have have found God and my Mom has come back to him and the three of us are closer than we ever were even when my Dad lived with us. (I know this too, because my Mom told me herself) I want to mend the differences with my Dad but I just can't bring myself to even think about him for very long without getting really angry. Anyway.... I wanted to talk about my Mom, Sister, and myself here so I won't go into anymore details. I hope that your Sister and Mother have found God or will very soon because that may be the one thing that will pull you all together again? I hope?!?
Remember to give your Mom and Sister a lot of room to come closer to you. You are a Christian and I know you well enough to know that you are trying on your end of this battle. Just hang in there and know that your love for them will always go much farther than any rift beween you.
Rick
Unfortunately, there are no easy ways to mend relationships. And no matter what anyone says, time really doesn't heal, it just puts distance. But you have made the first step by giving. I have known you for long enough to know how good your heart is. Do what you need to to get your family safe and love them. Always act with their best intrests at heart (i know you will.) Love will always turn things around. Hang in there on. I am praying for you.
Jonathan
I am sorry you and Sarah are not doing so well. I will pray for you. I don't have any real good advise except some that a friend told me when i needed to mend a relationship. Write her a letter. Ask for forgivness in it and tell her she is forgiven and whatever else you think you need to say. I like letters cause you can really think and pray about what you should say. And they are not just words but you can read them over again. But you have to be really careful cause you cannot hear how one is saying something so you have to think about how she might hear it.
I love you September. Thank you for keeping in touch with me. Did you get my e-mail a little while ago. I hope so. I would really like to visit you after this semester is over before the summer craziness gets started. I appriciate the invitation.
love always
-jeanniemarie
ps you should get a xanga so you can comment on my blog :)just a suggestion
Hey September,
You asked who am I? Just a girl, with a computer that had a lot of spare time on her hands. I'll be back with something better soon!
xoxmk
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