Not that my life is boring it's just some things are too frustrating to post about. But I guess I need to otherwise I'll never catch up.
After my last post my sister wrote me a letter in which saying everything was my fault when, in truth, it goes both ways. So before this last weekend that we went to my mom's I printed out her letter and wrote some notes down. I wanted to sit down with her and explain some things and point some more out to her. I told my mom about my plan and she told me that my sister isn't mature enough for me to talk with her about such a serious subject. This made me laugh. Because I know that sitting down with her all that would have happened would be her getting defensive, putting on an, "I'm getting it" front and then complaining to my mom or other sister after we parted ways. The reason it makes me laugh is because she is talking about getting married to a guy she met over the internet only 4 months ago. She's met him in person and even introduced him to most of the family. Everyone seems to like him just fine. But how can she handle a very serious commitment when she can't even own up to her own faults and make peace with her flesh and blood? We all know that in getting married there are times when you're right and times when your wrong. Really wrong. But she can't even own up to the fact that she hasn't tried making peace with me. I, personally, had to learn to own up that I'm am wrong at times. I know it. I learn from it. But I also learned it before I was the same age as she is now.
Anyway, so the talk never happened and I didn't really change how I was acting toward her but she thought I was because she now decided to see it.
On other notes. I went to a good friends wedding on Saturday. She was part of what kept me sane while at college. So I must retract what I had said in my post Once a Bride, never a bridesmaid, sometimes invited because she was suppose to get married in October and I never heard from her. But for certain reasons they moved the wedding til last Saturday. Anyway, just want to send my congrats again to the lovely Tenn and her new hubby. Take care and God bless.
And last of what I will post today is another Happy Birthday to my terrific mom. 42 isn't a year older it's just another year to make the most of. Love you, love you, love you.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
the call that broke the camels back
I guess I really don't know what to say or where to start because there's so much. Honestly I would just have to start from the beginning.
This isn't a sob story or a "feel sorry for me" or anyone rendition of what has happened. It's just the truth and that's the only way I can tell it.
I'm the oldest of three girls and when I was only six (if that) my father cheated on my mom and left us to fend for ourselves. Truthfully he and that are a whole other story but this one isn't about him or his stupidity.
After he had left and started his torment upon our lives the therapist had told my mom that we each would react to it all in a different way. My baby sister and I were very angry and would loose our tempers often. Sarah,the middle sister, would create drama with everything. Sarah was the one I chose to take my anger out on. I know and will admit now that I was very cruel to her growing up. She learned how to retaliate but being the oldest I would always win. So Sarah had taken on the defense that she thought she was smarter than me. She would use that to her advantage and would put me down. I'm not a genius by any means but I'm not even close to being somewhat dumb either. I'm fairly intelligent but because I dropped out of school and earned my GED she thinks less of me in the sense that I'm not that smart.
Dropping out was the smartest and only thing I could do. I was already homeschooled but because of the homeschooling system, in which there is none, they could care less of what happened to me. So being smarter than where I was suppose to be and having learned the higher education I decided to stop and get my GED as soon as I was able. I think it was at 16.
Anyway, that being beside the point. For the last 2 and some years I have been trying to correct my relationship with Sarah. I swear my efforts are useless because she still treats me as though I hate her. Since that is currently what she thinks. It makes me angry because she doesn't like to be told any criticism, an honest opinion or pure concern she'll become upset and won't listen. I've learned some time ago that I can't tell either of my sisters what to do but when it come to talking to Sarah she acts as though I have lived in a box with each of my blessing handed to me on a silver platter never having to gone through any turmoil. Therefore my opinion means nothing because apparently I have experienced nothing.
We're not close but truthfully it's because we're so different in our personalities. Yes, it has to do with the fact of how I treated her when we were kids but it also has to deal with how she treats me now. I have cried about it many times and even tried writing to her letting her know how I feel. But it seems pointless when she's not willing to meet me in the middle. I still love her and I'm still trying to reconcile with her but she does not make it easy.
My mom told me that the other day she called crying about how her and I aren't that close. All I could do was tell my mom, "what can she expect?" I know it probably sounds heartless but I did go on to tell my mom what she already knew, that I was making every effort but with Sarah it's like taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back. And again I know I was cruel to her. It was my way of taking out my anger from my father. I feel terrible for it now but it was how it was. I can't change it. All I can do is make up for it now.
My mom called me her "scapegoat" on the phone. This is because when she talks to us about things she's excited about and show concern about them she'll get angry with me even though my mom and I said the same thing. What should I do? Just bite my tongue and when the authorities find her body do I wait to tell her in the after life, "I told you so."? And really she has put herself in that position many times because she is so naive and thinks everyone is good. But I don't want that to happen. So I'll just continue looking out for her even if she does get angry with me.
This all probably sounds like every bad relationship with a sister. And maybe it is. I'm not sure.
I guess the only thing I can do is keep trying to make things right and sooner or later she'll come around.
Hopefully.
This isn't a sob story or a "feel sorry for me" or anyone rendition of what has happened. It's just the truth and that's the only way I can tell it.
I'm the oldest of three girls and when I was only six (if that) my father cheated on my mom and left us to fend for ourselves. Truthfully he and that are a whole other story but this one isn't about him or his stupidity.
After he had left and started his torment upon our lives the therapist had told my mom that we each would react to it all in a different way. My baby sister and I were very angry and would loose our tempers often. Sarah,the middle sister, would create drama with everything. Sarah was the one I chose to take my anger out on. I know and will admit now that I was very cruel to her growing up. She learned how to retaliate but being the oldest I would always win. So Sarah had taken on the defense that she thought she was smarter than me. She would use that to her advantage and would put me down. I'm not a genius by any means but I'm not even close to being somewhat dumb either. I'm fairly intelligent but because I dropped out of school and earned my GED she thinks less of me in the sense that I'm not that smart.
Dropping out was the smartest and only thing I could do. I was already homeschooled but because of the homeschooling system, in which there is none, they could care less of what happened to me. So being smarter than where I was suppose to be and having learned the higher education I decided to stop and get my GED as soon as I was able. I think it was at 16.
Anyway, that being beside the point. For the last 2 and some years I have been trying to correct my relationship with Sarah. I swear my efforts are useless because she still treats me as though I hate her. Since that is currently what she thinks. It makes me angry because she doesn't like to be told any criticism, an honest opinion or pure concern she'll become upset and won't listen. I've learned some time ago that I can't tell either of my sisters what to do but when it come to talking to Sarah she acts as though I have lived in a box with each of my blessing handed to me on a silver platter never having to gone through any turmoil. Therefore my opinion means nothing because apparently I have experienced nothing.
We're not close but truthfully it's because we're so different in our personalities. Yes, it has to do with the fact of how I treated her when we were kids but it also has to deal with how she treats me now. I have cried about it many times and even tried writing to her letting her know how I feel. But it seems pointless when she's not willing to meet me in the middle. I still love her and I'm still trying to reconcile with her but she does not make it easy.
My mom told me that the other day she called crying about how her and I aren't that close. All I could do was tell my mom, "what can she expect?" I know it probably sounds heartless but I did go on to tell my mom what she already knew, that I was making every effort but with Sarah it's like taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back. And again I know I was cruel to her. It was my way of taking out my anger from my father. I feel terrible for it now but it was how it was. I can't change it. All I can do is make up for it now.
My mom called me her "scapegoat" on the phone. This is because when she talks to us about things she's excited about and show concern about them she'll get angry with me even though my mom and I said the same thing. What should I do? Just bite my tongue and when the authorities find her body do I wait to tell her in the after life, "I told you so."? And really she has put herself in that position many times because she is so naive and thinks everyone is good. But I don't want that to happen. So I'll just continue looking out for her even if she does get angry with me.
This all probably sounds like every bad relationship with a sister. And maybe it is. I'm not sure.
I guess the only thing I can do is keep trying to make things right and sooner or later she'll come around.
Hopefully.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Leap Day anniversary
Tomorrow is Bryan and my anniversary of our engagement. Well technically it's not because he proposed on leap day. Now really people don't always celebrate it which is fine cause I wouldn't think to and the only reason I do is because last year Bryan bought me this gorgeous easel. Truthfully he didn't really do anything for Valentines day but flowers so he made up for it. I know I probably shouldn't hope for anything but it's kind of hard to after first thee most romantic proposal in 04 and an amazing easel in 05.
So what's in store for September? I don't know. Really I don't know if at all but he sure does have a lot to top.
Poor guy.
I promise he won't be in trouble if there isn't anything. Cause I know he still loves me.
So what's in store for September? I don't know. Really I don't know if at all but he sure does have a lot to top.
Poor guy.
I promise he won't be in trouble if there isn't anything. Cause I know he still loves me.
Friday, February 24, 2006
another day but at least it's friday
I'm so glad it's friday. Praise Jesus, I need the weekend. I also need to paint our apartment. A smoker was in here pre-us and the walls are darker than they should be. But painting is prohibited. So we have to convince our landlord that we only want to paint it white and nothing more. White is way better than smokers yellowish cream. Especially when we're not smokers. Oh, it's thick too. I think we just notice it more. I had changed the plate on a light switch and the paint underneath was way lighter than it is now. The maintenance man was suppose to plaster and paint before we moved in, as with every available apartment.
I'm actually just tired of our living room look. I don't like clutter and that's exactly what has happened.
Watching the baby I nanny has it's good days like today. It reminds me that I do like babies, children in general. But then there are days like yesterday that keep me in check and remind me why I don't want kids yet. For the life of me I couldn't get him to stop crying. I think he was just tired so I put him down on the couch and let him scream for a few minutes. I figured he'd tire himself out and fall asleep. Which is what happened only after I held him. A nice long 3.5 hour nap.
I think I'm becoming unsociable from hanging out with a toothless, speachless, bald and needy 3 month old. I'm thinking I should maybe get another part-time job just so I don't start only hanging out with people that haven't learned to speak or can't hold their head on their own yet.
Anyway.
There's so much more going on, but it's too much and I'm too tired.
I'm actually just tired of our living room look. I don't like clutter and that's exactly what has happened.
Watching the baby I nanny has it's good days like today. It reminds me that I do like babies, children in general. But then there are days like yesterday that keep me in check and remind me why I don't want kids yet. For the life of me I couldn't get him to stop crying. I think he was just tired so I put him down on the couch and let him scream for a few minutes. I figured he'd tire himself out and fall asleep. Which is what happened only after I held him. A nice long 3.5 hour nap.
I think I'm becoming unsociable from hanging out with a toothless, speachless, bald and needy 3 month old. I'm thinking I should maybe get another part-time job just so I don't start only hanging out with people that haven't learned to speak or can't hold their head on their own yet.
Anyway.
There's so much more going on, but it's too much and I'm too tired.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
boring happenings
What a crazy, lazy weekend. I think the most Bryan and I got done was cleaning our apartment. It really needed it plus we had company over tonight. Well I guess that's not the most cause I did make some awesome homemade potato soup and strawberry pie. Talking to my mom she asked if I was becoming Suzie Homemaker. I don't think I am, I just like good homemade cookin'. Plus it's way healthier when you make it from scratch rather than buy premade stuff to throw in the oven... even if it does take way longer in front of the oven. And granted not everyone has the will nor time to do that but it is good even if just every so often. Truthfully I don't have the time all the time either.
This morning I was ready to go back to our nice warm comfy bed after only a half an hour of leaving it. And yesterday I fell asleep during the day. Bryan slept for 12 hours on Saturday but he certainly needed it. The weekends are catch-up-on-sleep days.
Valentines Day was good. I didn't get flowers but I did get two cards. Yes, two. I like receiving cards but Bryan isn't good at giving them. Blame it on his anti-card giving family. And I started to tear up because it I thought it was so sweet of him.
It's also been freezing here. The last couple of days it has been 0° with a windchill of 25° below. I know it's reached minus 30° in the night. Frost has been covering the edges of our windows which isn't unusual but it doesn't help trying to keep it warm. And not every man would stand out in that kind of cold scraping the window for you while your inside the car warming.
This morning I was ready to go back to our nice warm comfy bed after only a half an hour of leaving it. And yesterday I fell asleep during the day. Bryan slept for 12 hours on Saturday but he certainly needed it. The weekends are catch-up-on-sleep days.
Valentines Day was good. I didn't get flowers but I did get two cards. Yes, two. I like receiving cards but Bryan isn't good at giving them. Blame it on his anti-card giving family. And I started to tear up because it I thought it was so sweet of him.
It's also been freezing here. The last couple of days it has been 0° with a windchill of 25° below. I know it's reached minus 30° in the night. Frost has been covering the edges of our windows which isn't unusual but it doesn't help trying to keep it warm. And not every man would stand out in that kind of cold scraping the window for you while your inside the car warming.
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